Monday, February 17, 2014

There is a time for everything

I have dreaded writing this post all week. I don't even really know how to say it. Something happened last Tuesday and my heart has been hurting ever since. Last Tuesday, we lost our cat, Ange. Sudden heart failure.

I know you all probably won't want to hear the details, but suffice it to say that I knew almost immediately that something was really wrong with him.

We rushed him to the emergency vet, where they confirmed my worst fears. He was not going to make it through the night on his own. We had a choice - we could try to keep him breathing and perform a procedure that he probably would not live through and he would be in a lot of pain, or we could give him a sedative and let him pass peacefully. As much as it hurt, I chose to do what was best for him. The vet did allow me to see him before the procedure so I could say goodbye. Within an hour of his first known symptoms, he was gone.

We were able to bring him home with us for burial. It rained, because of course it did. It always rains when a pet dies. Or least that seems to be the case with my family. We opted not to tell Canon about burying him because we felt that might confuse him. Instead we explained to him that Ange was very sick and old and had gone to heaven. He asks about three times a day to go to heaven to see Ange, so I tell him that one day we will see him again but it will be a long time from now.

As for me, I find myself seeing him out of the corner of my eye or hearing meows throughout the day and dreaming about him at night. It may sound weird to those that have never loved and lost a pet, but he was my first child and my loyal companion for 13 years. Not having him around is like losing a part of myself. I miss him every day, but I am so happy that he is no longer in pain. I just wish he would have told me something was wrong sooner so that maybe we could have treated him before it took over.

I will always love him and miss him. I don't know if I will get another cat, though I do love them. It would just seem weird - like I would be trying to replace him or something. Only time will tell.

It is amazing how therapeutic it is to talk about him everyday with Canon. It hurts when he brings the subject up, but talking Canon through it all means that I am talking myself through it too so in a way, I am glad that he is old enough to "understand" what has happened. I think it is good for both of us.

So now you know the story of why I couldn't blog last week. I just couldn't bring myself to think of anything else, though I did pour myself into Canon's birthday party preparations. It definitely helped to have something to occupy my time every day. I will be back with all of that information this week so we can move on to happier times.