Monday, October 21, 2013

The King of the House

I got Ange as a kitten in 2001 to help me cope with the loss of a loved one.  It's true what they say - animals are amazing healers of hearts.  He and I became inseparable. He was definitely my child from day one and we have been through a lot together.  Through it all he was my main man. But since he will not stop biting my hands and giving me the stink eye...well, I will just him tell you the rest.

Hey guys.  It's Ange here.  Yes, my woman did give me a name that means "Angel" in French.  Yes, I am all boy man male. What can I say?  I saved her.  You're welcome {bump paws}.  Besides, David whats-his-name played a vampire named Angel on tv and he pretty much kicked butt.  Or so I heard since my mom didn't like those tv shows (that should have been a sign - she apparently doesn't have a soul. Wait, she is a ginger.  That statement is confirmed.).

Anyway, my mama rescued me as a kitten.  I can still remember coming home that day in a chinese take-out box {of course it was clean!} because I was so tiny.  I was cute, I'm not gonna lie.  That girl couldn't resist the likes of me.  I mean, really though, who could?!  We lived through relationships, breakups, sickness, travel, and moves, and my loyalties never faded.  She needed me.  I couldn't blame her.  So I did what any loyal friend would do {ahem} and I propped her up and made sure that she didn't fall into a deep pit of despair.  She wouldn't even be here without me {that ungrateful little...}

Then one day, she met this guy I like to call Satan, but to whom the traitor refers to as Craig, or honey, or babe, or gag me. At first it was harmless.  She spent more time on the computer, but at least she was spending her evenings petting me, as it should be.  Then she started going out more.  Then he started coming around MY house.  The nerve.  Oh, but wait - it gets better.  He actually asked her to marry him - AND DIDN'T EVEN ASK MY PERMISSION!  Seriously, who does this guy think he is?  And yet...she said yes. Did you hear that horrible cracking sound that was heard 'round the world December of 2006?  That was the sound of my breaking heart. 

Of course, I didn't realize at the time that marriage meant we actually had to live with this guy.  That means he is around all. the. time.  I kept waiting for her to tell him to go home - that we were tired of him.  That didn't happen.  I mean, I did get a bigger place to roam around in, but so far that is the only perk I have noticed.  Not enough incentive to keep from letting you know how much I despise you, dude.  Sorry.

So, what did I do?  I made sure this guy remembered the real man in her life.  I slept at her head at night so he couldn't get too close without eating my fur.  I nestled in next to her on the couch so there wasn't any room for him.  I slept on his clothes during the day so that he couldn't put them on until they were washed - again.

Alas, it didn't seem to deter him.  He was determined to win our war.  So what did he do?  He went and did the one thing that I couldn't do - he got her pregnant.  Well played.

So now I have not one, but two boys with which to compete.  Of course, that meant that I had to up my ante.  I have learned to meow and howl all hours of the day and night.  When someone tries to pet me or snuggle, I know that they are really trying to smother me so I will shut up.  Not gonna happen.  I run just out of their reach and start meowing even louder. I also leave little surprises in the form of regurgitated food around the house?  Too much?  Too bad.

I am going to get through to her one day.  She will understand how much I love her and that THOSE BOYS  can't love her the way I do.  They never will. She will always be mine. Only mine.

Ok, then.  My cat is possessive and psychotic.  Hopefully, he won't steal Craig's breath at night.  He still seems to have more of an issue with Craig than Canon, though I am sure he would prefer both out of the house for good.  He is still learning to share me, six years of marriage and one child later.  It would be sweet if it wasn't so obnoxious.

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